Self-esteem is the reputation we have with ourselves, but self-worth is more than that. Self-esteem is outward facing; it cares what others think, whereas self-worth requires no validation, it is simply a state of being where we love ourselves so much that we embrace all our imperfections. Self-worth is built on true self-acceptance, where we allow ourselves to be perfectly imperfect, which then supports self-esteem. Lau Tzu wrote; "Because one believes in oneself, one does not need to convince others. Because one is content with oneself, one does not need others approval. Because one accepts oneself, the whole world will accept him or her.”
So how do we build self-worth? When we meditate regularly, we calm our nervous systems down so that we can get in touch with our inner core, that place where all the background noise of life melts away and we are left with a natural state of calm and peace. With enough practice it becomes blissful to go within like this, and eventually inner peace and contentment becomes our natural default state. We become ‘unruffable’ so to speak, so that we are no longer at the mercy of the winds of life buffeting us around, blowing us this way and that.
The more we refine our meditation experience the more we develop self-worth, because as we become that silent witness, we become aware of the subconscious patterns of the mind, those negative thoughts and emotions that come from our inner woundings and conditioning. When we are able to look at painful experiences and emotions straight in the eye and bring radical compassion to them, then we are truly on our hero’s journey, slaying our inner minataurs and finding our way back home with the magic elixir of self-worth.
This kind of shadow work is a difficult thing to do, but it’s a necessary part of spiritual growth. The more we can unpick our negative self-talk, the more we can catch ourselves in the act of judging ourselves in the moment and let it go, then we are nourishing and healing that hurt inner child we call shadow. Shadow is not something to fear, it is just those aspects of ourselves that we have yet to shed light on, those neglected parts of ourselves we have left in the dark because they are painful. Shadow is really just our inner child crying in the corner, and when we think of it this way, it is easier to bring our consciousness to that place and fill that child with the love it deserves. When our inner child is acknowledged, hugged and healed, we develop unshakable self-worth and self-love.
Without self-love, self-esteem requires strokes from the outside, which leaves us at the mercy of other peoples judgements. That is how we revert to being ‘ruffable’, especially when others are throwing stones at us. When we heal our inner child, people can throw stones all they like but we are not living in a glass house anymore, we have unshakeable self-worth and so the stones just bounce off us. We are unruffable because our inner child feels loved and nurtured, so who cares what others think? If they are throwing stones it says more about themselves than us, and as we realise people are usually projecting, we stop taking things so personally.
This process of building self-worth has a massive ripple effect, because the higher our levels of self-love, the more love we are able to give to others, without judgement, which equates to unconditional love. Unconditional love is a state of inner enlightenment, where our highest self resides. Developing unconditional love for ourselves and others requires the patience of consistently going within, meditating to calm our nervous systems down so that we very naturally become more self-aware, finding that hidden inner child and showering it with loving kindness. This is the gentle unfoldment of enlightenment, as we discover just how lovable we truly are.
See previous blog on self-love for special Sankscrit mantra to develop self-love; 'Maitri'.
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